Well, I think this is the hardest blog I have written. I haven't written in a while because I was too ashamed to do so. Since I got back from vacation on October 11 I have struggled with my eating. I am hungry all the time--I eat things I should not and more than I should--feel guilty as sin about what and how much I eat-then eat some more!!!! It is a vicious cycle. Even though I ate meals from Living Lean I would eat more.
I am addicted to food. Some foods like white starches, (potatoes, white rice, white bread) just trigger my urge to eat. Then it takes me weeks to get through it. I know this yet I do it anyway. Now I have been really faithful to my eating program and my exercise program since January 16, 2008. But since Oct 11 I have really struggled.
I have tried so hard to get myself back on track. I did not want to disappoint anyone so I did not say anything to anyone about what I was experiencing. It is unbelievable how food can take hold of your life. I would lie in bed at the end of the day and swear that tomorrow I would do better. But would not!!! I would even---this is so hard for me to say---sneak and eat something so no one would know. How pitiful it that!!!
I had to go for a yearly physical and when I stepped on the scales on Nov 4th and they read 288 tears came to my eyes. I had gained 8 pounds. I had lost 74 since last going to the doctor in April of 2007 but through all the praise of the doctor all I could think of was, "I gained 8 pounds. How can I face Gloria." I did not want to face Gloria, Lorin, my fellow gymsters, my supporters at work, those of you who read my blog and especially my husband, who makes sure to tell me how proud he is of me everyday!
I finally decided about 2 AM this morning that I was going to talk to Gloria. So after 30 minutes of
cardio (mind you I did not miss my workouts until 11/7 and I had a stomach virus that day), I told Gloria I needed to talk. I confessed to her all that I have told you. To my surprise she said she expected something was wrong.
You are probably thinking 71 pounds is nothing to ignore. You are right and I am pleased more than anyone knows with the progress I have made. BUT!!! now is not the time to get slack. I have learned from this that I have to watch every single morsel I put in my mouth. I will never be able to eat without thinking about what I am eating.
I weighed this morning--a new beginning. Gloria told me not to beat myself up over this. I just need to put it behind me a begin anew. The scales showed 285.8. I hate having to lose pounds twice. I know that I need to weigh in every two weeks no matter what. It is a way of being held accountable for my actions. I also know that a food diary is a must!!! When you write it down you are more conscious of what you have eaten.
Well I am sorry if I have disappointed any of you. Truly, truly sorry!!! I especially apologize to Gloria and Lorin who try so hard to help me get healthy!! I know I can do this!!! I am beginning again. As of Sunday November 16 I will have been on this healthy journey 10 months. It seems so long but has gone by so fast. I will do my very best to get as close to the 100 pound mark as I can by January 16, 2009!! I will have to lose 35 pounds. I hope each of you will stick with me through this valley and be there when I reach that ultimate 100 pound goal.
I have a new email address:
healthierfaith@yahoo.com. Email me anytime. I would love to hear from you. Love, Faith
